Why does it always turn out like this? The growing resentment...the ad hominem, fights. All of this, and yet they always turn out to be right. What, then is the point of arguing? I mean, in the end, they are our parents, and they do care about us in the long run. Still, I cannot help but desperately fight for that gulp of fresh air, freedom.

And yet, it still seems like I'm deceiving them; through logic, ethics and emotion. Sure my arguement wins in the end, but at what cost? Is it worth it, this rebellion, this sadness... the continued separation? It makes me wonder about politics. Did George III really not care for the welfare of the colonies, or did they just exaggerate it as we would about our parents? Are political rebellions really that noble..or were they only started just like how we start fights against our parents. Out of spite, out of rebellious nature...So many questions to ask..why can't we just all get along? Why is it that even though I know I am probably wrong, I still argue, still fight with such rebelliousness? I want to submit, and yet at the same time, I want to fight on, to dominate. A man cannot serve two masters, he must either love one and hate the other or vice versa. I do not want to live this lie anymore. I want to reform, to change, to wholly conform to one and purge myself of the other. But who can I give up? Blood is thicker than water, yes, but doesn't love conquer all?

I guess in the end, I only want one thing.. I don't want love, I don't want friendship, I don't want truth. I want wholeness. Give me something, but give me only that. Nothing else. I want to be wholly consumed by one thing, not ambivalence. Devour me in either black or white, I care not. But give me grey and I will wither. I'm withering... I need to end this now, before both halves destroy each other. I need to kill one half, and submit.

Alas, why does all of this sound so cliche? so angsy.. and so typical a xanga rant? *sigh* in the end, i'm still nothing more than a confused delusional child